The Ups & Downs of a Mom with 2 very young kids

I love being a mom. It can be very rewarding. I watched my daughter take her first steps last week and squealed with joy. No kidding. I cried & squealed at the same time. Each day she gets a little better on those two cute feet. I love holding my son in my arms and seeing him focus his eyes on me. I also love crawling on the floor trying to catch Ella and scooping her up in my arms when I do. It's fun dancing to the music & pretending to cook in her kitchen. It's awesome to see Ella kiss Vance or become concerned when he is crying. Watching them sleep is just precious. They are so sweet and it also means I can sleep or get something done for a little while.
But being a mom of two very young kids can also have its challenges. The number one struggle is lack of sleep and how that can lead to impatience on my part. It never fails they both need to eat at the same time too. I will like this when they eat the same thing but try feeding a baby a bottle while feeding carrots or yogurt to a 1 year old. It can get a little tricky. Trying to get both kids out the door and get somewhere on time seems impossible. I have been successful a few times but that is usually when where we are going doesn't require me looking presentable. The biggest challenge for me though, is feeling like Vance isn't getting all that Ella got. When Ella was a baby I sat and talked to her & showed her things for hours. Poor Vance is often left to rest on the activity mat, in the crib or bouncy seat while I tend to Ella. He is always with me in the same room but I feel he doesn't get all of me. I also hate that I have not found the time in my schedule/routine to read the Bible to him. That was always my routine with Ella during the first bottle of the day. Actually I haven't read it to Ella lately either. That is what I miss for them & me. I like reading the Bible and talking about it to them. The problem is I am just so exhausted that I haven't made the effort to figure out how.
I knew that having two kids so close together would have some challenging moments. I just think in the back of my mind I thought I was Wonder Woman & it wouldn't be an issue for me. Now that I have had a taste of reality (the good & the bad) I can move forward with making the most out of every day with my two beautiful children.

Facing challenges with calmness

From the first time I knew I was going to be a mom of two I asked God to please help me be as calm with two as I have been with one. I didn't realize the need for that was going to happen so soon. Ella has been a trooper during this entire trip but I think the extended time away from home is starting to get to her. Then on top of that she is adjusting to a new baby that requires our attention. This morning she had a meltdown and I was very close to having one too.
First of all Ella woke up an hour early. She was hungry but the kitchen didn't open till 7:30, an hour & a half after she woke up. Byron went down to the community kitchen to fix breakfast while I kept both kids in the room. Vance woke up & was ready to eat and the toys were not a good enough distraction for Ella. I began feeding Vance then gave Ella an empty bottle which has become our routine. The bottle was tossed and the crying started followed by big tears. No matter how many times I encouraged her to get her baby, feed her baby, love her baby she didn't move. She wanted mommy & mommy had her hands full. Poor Vance had the worst feeding ever. I can't recall how many times I had to pull the bottle out of his mouth so Ella wouldn't get it or to keep her from pulling him off of my lap. Somehow I managed not to get angry with Ella but was genuinely sympathetic for her. I got that she was tired, hungry & wanted her mommy to make her feel better. When that didn't happen she was cranky. I thank God that I didn't lose my temper at Ella or the situation. I am thankful that in that moment, even though I was beginning to feel frazzled, I felt love, compassion and had the ability to figure out what was best for both babies in that situation.
So what did I do? I realized Vance had eaten about all he was going to eat. I put him in the bassinet. Then I picked up Ella, went across the hall to our other room to get her paci & blanket, comforted her and we sat and watched Vance sleep. All was calm again and I was even starting to relax. It got even better when Byron showed up at the door to take Ella down for breakfast.
I realize more situations like this are going to happen again. This is just the beginning. But I pray that I will face each one with a sense of calmness and trust that God will get me through it. I do have to remember in each situation to stop & ask God for help and clarity.

The Journey

It was a Friday in June 2009 when I received a phone call from the adoption agency. I was expecting to hear they had received our letter & pictures to give to our birthmother. Instead I was told she was pregnant again and wanted to know if we would adopt this baby too. I immediately began to cry and said, "Somehow I knew."

Earlier that week in my prayer time with God I was struggling over the thought, "What if our birthmother got pregnant again? Would we adopt that baby too?" I didn't share that with my husband but prayed about it daily. I finally came to the conclusion that we would. It would be Ella's biological sibling & we couldn't say no to that. They would need to grow up together. I had no idea that coming to that conclusion meant right away. I was thinking it would be years down the road. Besides, Ella was only 6 months old at the time. I never thought it would happen that quickly. Boy, was I wrong.

After the phone call I called my husband and it totally caught him off guard. The thought of another child had not crossed his mind at all. We decided to pray about it. The decision was easy for me. I kind of already decided before I knew there was a decision to make. Byron on the other hand needed much more time to pray, think it through and seek wise counsel. It wasn't that he didn't want the baby, he just needed a peace from God that God wanted us to have this baby. It took some time but he got there.

Our journey began. We immediately began praying exactly what we prayed for our daughter, "God keep our baby safe from harm. Watch over our baby's life. Watch over our baby's coming & going both now and forever more," Psalm 121:7-8. Our birthmother was in jail at the time so it was easy to trust that God would keep our baby safe. A few months later we found out it was a boy. We knew he would be named Michael Vance & we would call him Vance. We had that name picked out 13 years ago. We were getting used to the idea of having a boy and getting excited. Then we got the phone call that she was out of jail. Our first reaction was not the best. We wanted her to stay in jail. In jail there wasn't access to drugs. But we had to trust her to resist the temptation and trust in God that if she didn't He would keep our baby safe. After about a month she slipped. We weren't happy but it was a one time thing. Then there was nothing. No news, no letters from our birthmother, nothing from the agency. I called to check on her to see how she was doing & didn't get a call right away. My initial reaction was to worry but I had to trust God. A few days later we learned that our birthmother had been in & out of the hospital and no one knew why. That was not what I wanted to hear. For the first time I was finding it hard to trust God. I became so worried about the safety of my son. It consumed me. Then I found Zephania 3:17, "The Lord your God is with you. He is might to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing." That verse gave me peace and my prayer for my son changed. I now prayed, "God please be with my son & please save him. I know you take great delight in him because he is your creation. Please quiet him with your love when he is exposed to things that are harmful to him and rejoice over him with singing when he is born." Our worst fears were confirmed as our birthmother was using drugs again. I prayed that prayer daily and often hourly. God took away my worry and replaced it with peace, a peace that God was still in control as He had always been. I had to trust that my son was going to make it & that God was protecting him.

One might expect me to be mad at our birthmother. Believe me there were times I wanted to find her and say, "Stop what you are doing. You are hurting my son." But I couldn't stay angry with her very long. She has had a difficult life. Drugs have been a part of her life since her early teen years. I have no idea what that life is like. I have no idea how to resist such a strong addiction. I have no idea what it's like to not have the support of a loving family who wants me to make good choices. From what we knew her only support was from those doing drugs with her. How can I be mad at her when the right road, the clean road, has no support for her. So I did the only thing I could do, pray. I continued to pray that she would want to stay clean, that she would know God loves her & that we love. That was all I could do. The rest was in her hands. Really it was in God's hands.

As I shared our struggles with others and asked them to pray with us I found myself & others thinking the best thing would be to get him out of there. Evidently a doctor felt the same way and our son was born 5 weeks early. I thank God for that doctor & I thank God for keeping my child safe. Even though there was evidence of drugs in his system, Vance had no withdrawals and NO side effects. He was & is healthy!

Last night as I held him in my arms I told him about my prayers for him. I told him that I knew God was with him and that God calmed him when he was exposed to drugs. I told him how thankful I was for him and that he is our miracle from God.

Ella meets her little brother

Byron & I were so excited on Saturday because Vance leaving the hospital meant Ella meeting her little brother. We had no idea how she would react. We've been talking about him for months now. Since we've been going back and forth to the hospital we've talked about it even more. She just turned one and really had no concept of what we were talking about so we were curious how she would react. As soon as we got to the lobby of the hospital the staff person carrying Vance in his car seat stood beside Ella for a picture. Ella immediately reached up and pulled down the car seat to see what was inside. Once we sat them beside each other she wanted to touch him. We let her and then immediately pulled her back. Since then whenever she sees Vance it's all about touching him or grabbing the bottle in his mouth. I try to encourage her to touch him gently. She'll touch and most of the time walk away. I leave an empty bottle out for her to hold when I am feeding Vance and that keeps her from grabbing his. Twice now I have told her to get her baby and both times she got her baby doll and handed it to me.

I have no concept of what is ahead. But what I do know is that right now I'm loving being a mom of two. I'm relieved to know that God doesn't expect me to have all the answers or know exactly how to be a mom of two successfully. He just wants me to trust Him and turn to Him for help. So I fully expect there will be days I want to pull my hair out, cry, pass out with exhaustion or run out the door screaming. But I know those days will be followed by a peace that God is in control and that He is with me as I walk through it. I look forward to seeing my children grow up together & pray they are close friends. I also look forward to seeing how God is going to change me through all of this.

The Ronald McDonald House & Our Extended Family

When Byron, Ella & I arrived at the Ronald McDonald House on December 22nd we had no idea what God had in store for us. We just knew the obvious. It had a playroom for Ella, a community kitchen, it was affordable (just $15 a night) & across the street from the hospital. It wasn't until our first morning there when one of the workers explained that we could eat anything in the community kitchen or pantry, that the depth of where we were started to sink in. I believe we both walked out of there in tears. We had only been in Florida for 5 days and had already spent a good amount of money eating out. Now complete strangers were telling us we can eat what is there....for FREE. What a blessing! Then each night a family or organization came in to fix supper for all of the house guests. These people didn't know us but they wanted to serve us. I was in awe, appreciative, humbled. Then came Christmas day. A family spent their Christmas morning fixing us a delicious breakfast. Another family came in who was on vacation from Utah. There purpose for being there? To serve. While we were eating Santa came around to each family and genuinely wanted to know our stories. Then he asked us to join him in the front room where the floor was covered with brand new toys. Tears ran down my cheeks and I sobbed as I realized it really was Christmas day and whoever donated all these toys did it so my child could have the joy of getting a new toy on Christmas.
The amazement and blessings of the Ronald McDonald House haven't stopped. Every night we meet new people who are here just to serve. Yesterday we learned that even though our son is being discharged from the hospital, we can stay there till we get clearance to go home. They knew we had a place but because of Vance's stay in NICU that place is no longer available. So they are opening their arms to us once again. I am in awe of God and of people.
Those are great blessings but the biggest blessing of all is our new extended family. Who are they? The other families who are staying at the Ronald McDonald House. We are all different. We come from different places, different walks of life, different experiences but one thing is the same in all of us. We each have a child or loved one in the hospital & many are in critical condition. It is a joy each time I walk into the community kitchen and see another family. We exchange the regular status updates but then as the days have passed we have shared more of our lives and hearts with one another. They are indeed my family. They all love Ella and have grown accustomed to her loud squeals & occasional "I want" scream. I pray for them often and their children. I am blessed because of each one of them. I ask that you would pray for them as well. I am going to list the kids names and what I understand best about their situation and ask that you pray for the child and parents.
Adam - 12 years old and had 2 emergency surgeries for blood clots in his brain. Waiting for him to "wake up" completely and then have a third surgery.
Lukas - 2 1/2 years old and had 3rd open heart surgery. Had some complications but seems to be getting better each day.
Devin - 10 years old and developed a brain condition where they had to install a shunt. It got infected, he went unconscious and is starting to wake up. Hopefully they will replace the shunt on Monday.
Aidan - Just a couple of weeks old. Born with half a heart and several other problems. They are praying he will be strong enough to handle a 12 hour (or more) surgery to work on his heart. He is not doing well.
Angelica - A month old. Born way early. Trying to gain weight and eat on her own. Her mother is also trying to recover and regain strength to take care of her little girl when she is discharged.
Vega - A couple of weeks old & had a shunt put in his brain. Currently relearning how to drink from a bottle.
Ethan - Born 25 weeks early. He is doing really well & should be going home in a week. He has a long flight home so pray for safety on the trip.
Twin girls - Just a month old. One is doing well & could be discharged soon the other is still very tiny.
16 year old girl whose bones didn't grow but her muscles did. She had legs broken and they are lengthening the bone (that's the best description I can give).
A teenage boy who had a skateboarding accident (no helmet). He was in a coma for 3 days. Not sure how he is doing now.

Thanks for letting me share these prayer requests with you. These people are my family & I long for the day they can walk in the kitchen and announce their child is coming home!

Vance is leaving the hospital!

We got the news just a couple of hours ago that our precious son will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. We can't wait!
Once he is in our arms & out of NICU our adoption agency will file the ICPC which gives us the clearance to go home. This could take up to 2 weeks. Fortunately the amazing people here at the Ronald McDonald House have said we can stay here. We will have both our room & the one across the hall from ours. This is a huge blessing!
We can't wait for Ella to meet her baby brother. I am sure I will have stories to share about our upcoming experiences with a newborn & one year old.

Why Did I Ever Doubt

At 9:10 this morning I received a call from the agency that our FBI clearances came through. Praise God! This means that whenever my son is discharged from the hospital he can be given to us.
I was thrilled when I heard the news and then immediately asked myself, "Why did I ever doubt this could happen so quickly? Why did I stress over this?" I knew that God was in control but last night I really let this FBI thing bother me. I let it bother me so much that I was okay if Vance didn't finish all of his bottles on his own. I actually wanted him to need at least part of one through the feeding tube. How awful is that? I should have still wanted him to get better but instead I let fear rob me of the joy of him not needing the feeding tube once last night.
Fortunately throughout the night I was able to share parts of our adoption story with his nurse (who by the way is fantastic). I explained how we trusted God to provide for the cost of both adoptions & He did. Then how we didn't fear for our son's health even though we knew his birthmother was using drugs during the pregnancy because we trusted God to keep him safe. As I shared I stopped and wondered why am I not trusting God with the FBI clearances. Later I remembered an important verse, Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I can't say I had peace right away but at least I knew where the peace would come from.
After my night shift with Vance I sat in the quiet lobby of the Ronald McDonald House and told God I wanted to trust Him with this. I asked Him to help me trust Him completely. I asked Him to help me let it go. It still bothered me a little but I wasn't consumed with it anymore and I was trusting God to take care of it. Of course, just a few hours God did.
I wish the last 36 hours hadn't been an issue but I am thankful for God showing me once again that His word is truth. I am thankful that God was patient with me as I struggled. I am also thankful that I wasn't the only one praying and that many people wanted to pray for me and saw their prayers answered.