At 9:10 this morning I received a call from the agency that our FBI clearances came through. Praise God! This means that whenever my son is discharged from the hospital he can be given to us.
I was thrilled when I heard the news and then immediately asked myself, "Why did I ever doubt this could happen so quickly? Why did I stress over this?" I knew that God was in control but last night I really let this FBI thing bother me. I let it bother me so much that I was okay if Vance didn't finish all of his bottles on his own. I actually wanted him to need at least part of one through the feeding tube. How awful is that? I should have still wanted him to get better but instead I let fear rob me of the joy of him not needing the feeding tube once last night.
Fortunately throughout the night I was able to share parts of our adoption story with his nurse (who by the way is fantastic). I explained how we trusted God to provide for the cost of both adoptions & He did. Then how we didn't fear for our son's health even though we knew his birthmother was using drugs during the pregnancy because we trusted God to keep him safe. As I shared I stopped and wondered why am I not trusting God with the FBI clearances. Later I remembered an important verse, Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I can't say I had peace right away but at least I knew where the peace would come from.
After my night shift with Vance I sat in the quiet lobby of the Ronald McDonald House and told God I wanted to trust Him with this. I asked Him to help me trust Him completely. I asked Him to help me let it go. It still bothered me a little but I wasn't consumed with it anymore and I was trusting God to take care of it. Of course, just a few hours God did.
I wish the last 36 hours hadn't been an issue but I am thankful for God showing me once again that His word is truth. I am thankful that God was patient with me as I struggled. I am also thankful that I wasn't the only one praying and that many people wanted to pray for me and saw their prayers answered.
"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." Psalm 37:5 (NLT)
ReplyDeleteLetting go and letting God is a struggle that we all face but remembering to pause and focus on His word helps to make it easier. Thank you for sharing your story. As it helps you to process all that you are going through, it is also a great reminder to those of us reading your story, that God's Word is truth.
I have read your post i found you through my friend candace on face book and i am truly inspired i have been diagnosed with a condition called PCOS women who have this have trouble getting pregnant sometime and sometimes never are blessed with their own children. i used to think that adoption was never a option for me but the last couple of weeks have shown me that you can be truly blessed by adobtion too. last week at my great aunts funeral they were saying how sad she was that she never had children of her own. i have been struggling for a while with the thought of never having my own children at it saddens and even going as far to ask God why have i been cursed with this wicked disorder as bad as i want children. but i have faith that if the lord wants me to have children that he will bless us with our own or adoption could be a option.
ReplyDeleteGod has given you the gift of being able
ReplyDeleteconnect with people through your creativity and your writing. I was blown away with your most recent "big book". When you get back in town I have an idea that I want to run by you.